Gospel XXVIII: On Who is My fellow Guest Gospeler Gretchen

Gretchen had her thetan revoked back in 2004, while attending college, because Xenu didn't like her association with several mentally unstable persons. She then became an expert on reptilians, who masquerade around as humans, and their total control over the planet and move towards global government. She is afraid of her mom because she got the H1N1 vaccine; she doesn't want to have to kill her when she turns into a zombie.

Currently, Gretchen is trying to befriend the Infinite Oneness and awaits placement in the most prestigious of ambassadorial positions as Human Ambassador on Atlantis. Until then, she will follow the teachings of Meghan the Great, of the Church of SubGenius and continue in her enlightenment.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle and Guest Gospeler Gretchen XXVIII 1:23 pm

Guest Gospeler Gretcehn III: Merging Mobile Plans: the New Way to Say 'I Love You'

Humans are curious by nature, but simultaneously stuck in the past. We, as a species, tend to do many things because "it's tradition" or "that's just how it's done".

One of these poorly thought out traditions includes the ceremony of marriage. Women wear white in order to "honor" the women before them who also wore white, and they wore white because they were valued more for their tight vag and daddy's bank account than their personality or, hell, even their looks. Women also take their new husband's last name. Because that's how it has always happened. Even if most women don't consider marriage a complete annihilation of their personal identity, few think to ask "Why do I automatically give up MY last name?". Is there inherently more value in a male's surname than a female's? Shh don't think that last question too loudly. You might inadvertently cause a telepathic cascade failure in human brain sub-processors.

Bob pities the human species and their blind following of traditions, traditions which were born of incredibly ignorant, sexist/racist/idiotic non-thinking. Bob calls this "Perpetual Cycle of Not Thinking. Dumbass."

Bob's solution to this dilemma is simple. Since humans have proven themselves unable to think about things critically for themselves, he only needs to institute new traditions - as trying to get humans to step back and examine the need for certain traditions would cause instant implosion of all brain matter. Also, their souls may die without dated, slightly ridiculous habits to cling to as these are the only links modern humans have to "the good old days". Ahh, the good old days of outhouses, slavery, bringing your rifle to church and death by about sixteen different types of cancer by the ripe old age of 37.

In keeping with the times this new tradition will be a totally unemotional and forced event, devoid of authentic representations of self and includes an annoying amount of bureaucratically-bullshit paper work to do. Perfect for a wedding! The new tradition is...

Merging of Mobile Plans.

Most people get a phone when they're about 2 months old and remain on their parents' family mobile plan until their parents die. This is because current Gen Yers are too financially and emotionally dependent on their parents to be on their own plan and pay their own bill. This is do to terrible parenting books which were forced on the American public during the 1980s. To leave this family plan, before death forces them to do so, and create a NEW FAMILY plan, is the ultimate sign of love and commitment. When you sign on that dotted line you are eternally linked to another being and partially responsible for that bill for TWO. WHOLE. YEARS.

Go non-think about that.

- The Word of Gretchen after 8 pm

Gospel XXVII: On Assassintation

Although very entertaining in theory and movie production, snakes on a plane is not the most efficient way to kill your intended target.

I mean if Samuel L. Jackson is there, they will probably survive and you'll end up Tough Mike's ass candy.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXVII 7:11 am

Gospel XXVI: On the Best Way to Enact Change

Kill the baby boomers!! Bob says let's end their hypocritical reign of tyranny!

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXVI flower power o'cklock

XXV: On What the Disgustingly Rich Contribute to Society

Nothing.

That's why they're disgusting.


Their wealth is derived from YOUR labor. What do you get back?


Debt.


You *owe* them for the plundering of your created economic value.


~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXV 11:59 pm

Gospel XXIV: On the Warped Views of the Wealthy

Their definition of sports consists of golf, tennis, and scuba diving.

Seriously.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXIV noonish

Gospel XXIII: On Florida

Florida is the Eden of America. Where everyone wants to end up when they retire! It's this mystical place where it's always sunny and warm! Where maybe someday you can live in a mansion that's located in a cushy resort while you pop valum on your six-story yacht. Believe it or not, some people already live this wonderful life! And you can too!!

...if you're from an old money family }:)


~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXIII 3:00 pm

Gospel XXII: On Excercise

If you take the stairs instead of the elevator and consider that a work out you're not getting enough exercise.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXII 6:00 am

Gospel XXI: Can Internet Narcissim aka Microblogging Ever Really Be Metal?

me: don't be too cool
you know you love it
kraig: buzz
me: you know you'll stalk it
kraig: im done
im a twitter guy
me: bees are so much more metal than chirping little birds
i mean they have a stinger
and can kill people
kraig: birds were dinosaurs once
me: that's true so in the past they could have ripped people apart
but they def said raaaawwwwrrrrr
instead of tweet

verdict: dinosaurs *are* pretty metal and are definitely brutal

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXI I-should-be-working am

Gospel XX: On Balance in the Universe

Bob knows you hate sitting in a cube in front of a computer all day.
That's why he's given you this boom in tv/video streaming.

Office jobs these days aren't challenging and most people are just bored.
It's the perfect setting for procrastination, and procrastination is one of the main pillars of Bob.

Bob is literally telling you to indulge in all the pretty diversions the internet has to offer!
Soon you'll be so distracted you won't even notice how bored and unchallenged you are.

The word of Bob.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XX 9am - 5pm

Prophecy IV

If the government gave us all free speed the revolution would never happen and Capitalism would be infallible.

You hear that Obama? Illuminati?

If you want to win and protect the status quo, free aderol is the strategy that will ensure your future.

Gospel XIX: On Taking the High Road.

The friend back-stab. We've all been there. You think you're bff's, that you're kindred spirits. Sister's for life!!!! And then one day they turn into a back stabbing psychotic whore who pushes back your emotional develop back about three years.

Obviously you had nothing to do with this relationship breakdown. You're defensive? Paranoid? Demanding? On you these traits are adorable. Everyone else should just learn to accept you for who you are.

You try to be mature, "take the high road." You don't want to "cause drama." In these situations it always looks better to play it cool. On the inside however, you have all these detailed fantasies that end up with all your friends cheering you on as you sucker punch the bitch in a bar.

Bob knows the drill.

He knows that you secretly stalk her facebook, twitter, blogs, and whatever form of public communication you both happen to be on these days.

He knows that whenever you think of that last fight that your jaw clenches and a manic glint appears in your eye that screams run the frak away, I'm out for blood.

Don't worry. Channel you're inner scorpio, lock it up, and lay in wait. In all likelihood she is going through the same emotional process and when you inevitably run into her again you need to be the one who acts like you didn't care. Like you're soul wasn't ripped out through you're nostrils. Acting cold is way more hurtful than acting angry.

If it doesn't work and you are over taken by the angry beast that is your inner rage, oh well. Sometimes it's satisfying to be the psycho.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XIX 4:18 pm

Gospel XVIII: On Dating America

So you're dating a girl/guy and at first s/he is charming and extremely interested in you. There is cuddling, dinner dates, and adorably sweet phone calls. The phone calls are the first to go, followed by the dinner dates and now your lucky if you even have sex. You find that when you do get lucky, it doesn't last more than 20 minutes and forget about YOUR needs.

You wake up one day to realize that that special someone spends his or her time sitting on their ass eating, drinking beer, and watching TV.

Congratulations!
You're dating America.
Sweet, sweet America.

Initially deceptive, s/he draws you in and once you're a sure thing they then guilt you into submission and trap you into their mind-numbing pattern of mediocrity. Sedentary, bored, and brainwashed by trashy reality TV you realize that you're on a slippery slope that could land you in a life full of Budweiser, obesity, and extreme right leaning tendencies (literally you will be leaning to the right due to the stroke from all the chemicals your body is now being pumped full of).

Have heart!!! Bob is your savior and he will save you from your inner lemming. Simply leaving the situation is far too simple a solution. That bastard needs to learn his/her faults and shortcomings! You as a disciple of Bob are just the person to do it.

Start by assuming an aura of haughty disdain. To successfully pull this off sneering and mastering the patronizing eye roll is key. Second, you must channel your pent up bitterness and hostility into passive aggressive snide, cutting comments that widdle away her/his self-esteem. Pounce on those insecurities! Third, question his/her basic comfort habits and really tare apart their view of reality. Especially important to this third step is making her/him painfully aware of his/her inadequacy in the bedroom. This crucial point is usually the final push that will irrevocably break their spirit. Huzzah!!!!!

By following this repertoire created by Bob you can escape your fate of becoming a lazy, indulgent, American of today and bring back the hard-ass-I-eat-babies-son-of-a-bitch American of yester-year.

Lock it up fellow citizens and let's give this country exactly what it needs.


~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XVIII 9:11 am

Prophecy III

Facebook will lower the collective intelligence of all that use it.
People instinctively know this and will continue the addiction anyway.

Gospel XVII: On Radical Femminism

Or some might say, the radical solution.
SCUM people are kinda crazy, but they might be onto something...
...some might even argue that this would solve all our enviornmental problems.
Just Saying.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XVII 3:45 pm

Gospel XVI: On the Monday Morning Commute

When on your daily commute and inevitably come across someone in need, how do you react? When you wittiness a mother trying to carry a baby stroller up a flight of stairs, or see someone has dropped a glove. Do you like most others just go about your business, assuming that someone else will help the poor schmuck? Is this avoidant behavior systemic of our cold callous society? OR are you just an asshole?

Think about it.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XVI 7:32 am

Gospel XV: On the New Years Promise

Hey Fatty!

Instead of making yet another false new years promise of this year getting in shape, how about you do the socially conscious thing and develop a nice case of agoraphobia.

We will all thank you.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XV New Years Dawn am