So you're dating a girl/guy and at first s/he is charming and extremely interested in you. There is cuddling, dinner dates, and adorably sweet phone calls. The phone calls are the first to go, followed by the dinner dates and now your lucky if you even have sex. You find that when you do get lucky, it doesn't last more than 20 minutes and forget about YOUR needs.
You wake up one day to realize that that special someone spends his or her time sitting on their ass eating, drinking beer, and watching TV.
Congratulations!
You're dating America.
Sweet, sweet America.
Initially deceptive, s/he draws you in and once you're a sure thing they then guilt you into submission and trap you into their mind-numbing pattern of mediocrity. Sedentary, bored, and brainwashed by trashy reality TV you realize that you're on a slippery slope that could land you in a life full of Budweiser, obesity, and extreme right leaning tendencies (literally you will be leaning to the right due to the stroke from all the chemicals your body is now being pumped full of).
Have heart!!! Bob is your savior and he will save you from your inner lemming. Simply leaving the situation is far too simple a solution. That bastard needs to learn his/her faults and shortcomings! You as a disciple of Bob are just the person to do it.
Start by assuming an aura of haughty disdain. To successfully pull this off sneering and mastering the patronizing eye roll is key. Second, you must channel your pent up bitterness and hostility into passive aggressive snide, cutting comments that widdle away her/his self-esteem. Pounce on those insecurities! Third, question his/her basic comfort habits and really tare apart their view of reality. Especially important to this third step is making her/him painfully aware of his/her inadequacy in the bedroom. This crucial point is usually the final push that will irrevocably break their spirit. Huzzah!!!!!
By following this repertoire created by Bob you can escape your fate of becoming a lazy, indulgent, American of today and bring back the hard-ass-I-eat-babies-son-of-a-bitch American of yester-year.
Lock it up fellow citizens and let's give this country exactly what it needs.
~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XVIII 9:11 am
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Meghan, I am totally bowing to thee right now.
ReplyDeleteEpic post. I'm blogging about this blog item. I am going to go reread this again, as the first time around I was dumbstruck when your witty awesomeness bitchslapped me until I was completely slackjawed. It was a rollercoaster of derisive, bitter brilliance and I need to go absorb it.
You're my hero.
And there's hope. When you're ready, I will helpfully guide you in targeting, exposing and mocking his emotional, and physical, short-comings.
Gaslight is my middle name.