Humans are curious by nature, but simultaneously stuck in the past. We, as a species, tend to do many things because "it's tradition" or "that's just how it's done".
One of these poorly thought out traditions includes the ceremony of marriage. Women wear white in order to "honor" the women before them who also wore white, and they wore white because they were valued more for their tight vag and daddy's bank account than their personality or, hell, even their looks. Women also take their new husband's last name. Because that's how it has always happened. Even if most women don't consider marriage a complete annihilation of their personal identity, few think to ask "Why do I automatically give up MY last name?". Is there inherently more value in a male's surname than a female's? Shh don't think that last question too loudly. You might inadvertently cause a telepathic cascade failure in human brain sub-processors.
Bob pities the human species and their blind following of traditions, traditions which were born of incredibly ignorant, sexist/racist/idiotic non-thinking. Bob calls this "Perpetual Cycle of Not Thinking. Dumbass."
Bob's solution to this dilemma is simple. Since humans have proven themselves unable to think about things critically for themselves, he only needs to institute new traditions - as trying to get humans to step back and examine the need for certain traditions would cause instant implosion of all brain matter. Also, their souls may die without dated, slightly ridiculous habits to cling to as these are the only links modern humans have to "the good old days". Ahh, the good old days of outhouses, slavery, bringing your rifle to church and death by about sixteen different types of cancer by the ripe old age of 37.
In keeping with the times this new tradition will be a totally unemotional and forced event, devoid of authentic representations of self and includes an annoying amount of bureaucratically-bullshit paper work to do. Perfect for a wedding! The new tradition is...
Merging of Mobile Plans.
Most people get a phone when they're about 2 months old and remain on their parents' family mobile plan until their parents die. This is because current Gen Yers are too financially and emotionally dependent on their parents to be on their own plan and pay their own bill. This is do to terrible parenting books which were forced on the American public during the 1980s. To leave this family plan, before death forces them to do so, and create a NEW FAMILY plan, is the ultimate sign of love and commitment. When you sign on that dotted line you are eternally linked to another being and partially responsible for that bill for TWO. WHOLE. YEARS.
Go non-think about that.
- The Word of Gretchen after 8 pm
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment