Gospel XXVII: On Assassintation

Although very entertaining in theory and movie production, snakes on a plane is not the most efficient way to kill your intended target.

I mean if Samuel L. Jackson is there, they will probably survive and you'll end up Tough Mike's ass candy.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXVII 7:11 am

Gospel XXVI: On the Best Way to Enact Change

Kill the baby boomers!! Bob says let's end their hypocritical reign of tyranny!

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXVI flower power o'cklock

XXV: On What the Disgustingly Rich Contribute to Society

Nothing.

That's why they're disgusting.


Their wealth is derived from YOUR labor. What do you get back?


Debt.


You *owe* them for the plundering of your created economic value.


~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXV 11:59 pm

Gospel XXIV: On the Warped Views of the Wealthy

Their definition of sports consists of golf, tennis, and scuba diving.

Seriously.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXIV noonish

Gospel XXIII: On Florida

Florida is the Eden of America. Where everyone wants to end up when they retire! It's this mystical place where it's always sunny and warm! Where maybe someday you can live in a mansion that's located in a cushy resort while you pop valum on your six-story yacht. Believe it or not, some people already live this wonderful life! And you can too!!

...if you're from an old money family }:)


~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXIII 3:00 pm

Gospel XXII: On Excercise

If you take the stairs instead of the elevator and consider that a work out you're not getting enough exercise.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXII 6:00 am

Gospel XXI: Can Internet Narcissim aka Microblogging Ever Really Be Metal?

me: don't be too cool
you know you love it
kraig: buzz
me: you know you'll stalk it
kraig: im done
im a twitter guy
me: bees are so much more metal than chirping little birds
i mean they have a stinger
and can kill people
kraig: birds were dinosaurs once
me: that's true so in the past they could have ripped people apart
but they def said raaaawwwwrrrrr
instead of tweet

verdict: dinosaurs *are* pretty metal and are definitely brutal

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXI I-should-be-working am

Gospel XX: On Balance in the Universe

Bob knows you hate sitting in a cube in front of a computer all day.
That's why he's given you this boom in tv/video streaming.

Office jobs these days aren't challenging and most people are just bored.
It's the perfect setting for procrastination, and procrastination is one of the main pillars of Bob.

Bob is literally telling you to indulge in all the pretty diversions the internet has to offer!
Soon you'll be so distracted you won't even notice how bored and unchallenged you are.

The word of Bob.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XX 9am - 5pm

Prophecy IV

If the government gave us all free speed the revolution would never happen and Capitalism would be infallible.

You hear that Obama? Illuminati?

If you want to win and protect the status quo, free aderol is the strategy that will ensure your future.

Gospel XIX: On Taking the High Road.

The friend back-stab. We've all been there. You think you're bff's, that you're kindred spirits. Sister's for life!!!! And then one day they turn into a back stabbing psychotic whore who pushes back your emotional develop back about three years.

Obviously you had nothing to do with this relationship breakdown. You're defensive? Paranoid? Demanding? On you these traits are adorable. Everyone else should just learn to accept you for who you are.

You try to be mature, "take the high road." You don't want to "cause drama." In these situations it always looks better to play it cool. On the inside however, you have all these detailed fantasies that end up with all your friends cheering you on as you sucker punch the bitch in a bar.

Bob knows the drill.

He knows that you secretly stalk her facebook, twitter, blogs, and whatever form of public communication you both happen to be on these days.

He knows that whenever you think of that last fight that your jaw clenches and a manic glint appears in your eye that screams run the frak away, I'm out for blood.

Don't worry. Channel you're inner scorpio, lock it up, and lay in wait. In all likelihood she is going through the same emotional process and when you inevitably run into her again you need to be the one who acts like you didn't care. Like you're soul wasn't ripped out through you're nostrils. Acting cold is way more hurtful than acting angry.

If it doesn't work and you are over taken by the angry beast that is your inner rage, oh well. Sometimes it's satisfying to be the psycho.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XIX 4:18 pm

Gospel XVIII: On Dating America

So you're dating a girl/guy and at first s/he is charming and extremely interested in you. There is cuddling, dinner dates, and adorably sweet phone calls. The phone calls are the first to go, followed by the dinner dates and now your lucky if you even have sex. You find that when you do get lucky, it doesn't last more than 20 minutes and forget about YOUR needs.

You wake up one day to realize that that special someone spends his or her time sitting on their ass eating, drinking beer, and watching TV.

Congratulations!
You're dating America.
Sweet, sweet America.

Initially deceptive, s/he draws you in and once you're a sure thing they then guilt you into submission and trap you into their mind-numbing pattern of mediocrity. Sedentary, bored, and brainwashed by trashy reality TV you realize that you're on a slippery slope that could land you in a life full of Budweiser, obesity, and extreme right leaning tendencies (literally you will be leaning to the right due to the stroke from all the chemicals your body is now being pumped full of).

Have heart!!! Bob is your savior and he will save you from your inner lemming. Simply leaving the situation is far too simple a solution. That bastard needs to learn his/her faults and shortcomings! You as a disciple of Bob are just the person to do it.

Start by assuming an aura of haughty disdain. To successfully pull this off sneering and mastering the patronizing eye roll is key. Second, you must channel your pent up bitterness and hostility into passive aggressive snide, cutting comments that widdle away her/his self-esteem. Pounce on those insecurities! Third, question his/her basic comfort habits and really tare apart their view of reality. Especially important to this third step is making her/him painfully aware of his/her inadequacy in the bedroom. This crucial point is usually the final push that will irrevocably break their spirit. Huzzah!!!!!

By following this repertoire created by Bob you can escape your fate of becoming a lazy, indulgent, American of today and bring back the hard-ass-I-eat-babies-son-of-a-bitch American of yester-year.

Lock it up fellow citizens and let's give this country exactly what it needs.


~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XVIII 9:11 am