Gospel XIV: On Dating Problems

If One is unlucky in love. Give Up! It's a sign from Bob that you're not meant to breed.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XIV 12:00 pm

Gospel XIII: on Thank You Notes

Highlighting the bourgeois tradition of giving with strings attached. Bob doesn't believe in giving with hidden little obligations. In fact the Church of the Subversive may not believe in manners, and probably doesn't believe in the polite society.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XIII 1:23 pm

Gospel XII: On Blood Relations

They are the wonderful crutch that has supported liquor stores and the psychiatric profession since the dawn of the nuclear family. Fortunately, for all my followers; The Church of the Subgenius does not believe in prohibition.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XII 6:66 pm

Gospel XI: On why presents are the American Way

The Church of the Subversive recognizes Christmas as a major holiday because we believe in doing our consumeristic duty of helping our endgangered economy survive. By supporting Christmas you are supporting Capitalism. Hazzah!

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XI 10:56 am

Gospel X: On what I mean by epic

If you don't know what I mean by an epic Friday or Saturday night let me give you an example.

Finish a bottle of vodka with two of your good friends by 7:52.

Move onto the Champagne by 8 to celebrate the change from Nickelodeon to Nick at Night.

Then have a Jay-Z dance party that includes "Big Pimpin'"

Then move on to Karaoke.

Remember Epic Friday and Saturday nights are a Commandment in the Church of the Subgenius

The word of Bob.

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle X 8:14 pm

Gospel IX: on transubstantiation

Instead of eating gross wafer bread for the body of christ and drinking watered down, vinegary wine for the blood of christ, Bob has a tastier alternative: the body of bob is weed brownies and chicken fingers and the blood of bob is $7 pitchers of beer. Bob doesn't believe in the religious power being orchestrated into hierarchies, so you don't even need a priest or minister to transubstantiate your brownies/chicken figners/pitchers, you can do it yourself!

On Friday when you are at a bar (a holy place according to Bob) before you ingest and imbibe just mutter the words "tonight will be epic" and just like the Catholics a cannibal you will become.

That is the word of Bob.

~ The Gospel of Minister McGonagle IX 1:26 pm

Gospell VIII: on robots

When speaking with robots don't expect them to understand cultural nuances. They are machines after all. This same rule applies to inanimate and semi-animate objects.

~ The Gospel of Minister McGonagle VIII 3:23 pm

Prophesy III

Christmas consumerism will not boost our dying economy.
The only thing that will save us is the blood of the rich.
Revolution is brewing.

Guest Gospeler Gretchen II: on job applications

applying for jobs is analogous to standing on a street corner and trying to get someone to pay you for sex.

it's degrading.

it's disheartening.

the only difference is that hookers usually have pimps to help market their skills and garner business whereas we have the unfortunate luck of having to be both pimp and prostitute.

prostitutes might also have better job security.

- The Word of Gretchen 2:22 pm

Gospel VII: On the correct way to land a man

Build it up in your head. It's safer in there anyway and you'll just get the disappointment out of the way early.

~ The Gospel of Minister McGonagle VII 10:46 am

Prophecy II

The sun will set tonight and rise tomorrow.
But the day after that it will collapse into a singularity.
We may all die.

Gospel VI: On how to deal with Anxiety

Lock it the frak up and get the hell over it.

~ The Gospel of Minister McGonagle VI 1:46 pm

Gospel V: On how intertwined typing has become with our soul

The home row keys are thusly named because of how comfortable one's fingers feel there.

~ The Gospel of Minister McGonagle V 11:01 pm

Gospel IV: On how to drink for free

When you have a cute guy friend bring him to a gay bar and pimp him out for drinks because ladies is pimps too
~ The Gospel of Minister McGonagle IV 8:52 pm

Gospel III: On what the devout do on the weeks end

An Epic Friday Night is the only Friday Night worth having.
~ Gospel of Minister McGonagle III 5:38 pm

Guest Gospeler Gretchen I: On Date Night

"The Cuervo Gold...The fine Columbian. Make tonight a wonderful thing."
- The Word of Steely Dan, as spoken by Gretchen 5:27 pm

Prophesy I

Dragons Exist.
They are just in hiding.

Gospel II: On why you shouldn't get a rhinoplasty

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL THE WAY YOU ARE

YOU ARE NOT AN AUTOMATRON
~ Gospel of Minister McGonagle II 5:02 pm

Gospel I: Citzen's bank is not your friend, nor are they a very good citizen

gstelz85: i mean. i never bounced anything until now b/c times are so tough

im sure citizens is making a real killing off of us poor folks who are living paycheck to paycheck

ME: they are

and they call themselves "citizens"

commrades my ass
gstelz85: citizens of fucking you over
ME: its like double speak

they want us to think that they are on the same level as us

friends, citizens

but they are really the masters

the slave doesn't dream of being free s/he dreams of being the master

so we must rize up and dominate those that dominated us before we can be fre

e

~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle I 4:02 pm

The Church of SubGenius

I am a recently ordained Minister of the Church of SubGenius.
Based on the fact that I may be a megalomaniac I will start prophesizing and publishing my gospels.

The Gospels of Bob as spoken through ME, MEghan.

Worship and Expensive gifts of thanks are encouraged and expected.