Gretchen had her thetan revoked back in 2004, while attending college, because Xenu didn't like her association with several mentally unstable persons. She then became an expert on reptilians, who masquerade around as humans, and their total control over the planet and move towards global government. She is afraid of her mom because she got the H1N1 vaccine; she doesn't want to have to kill her when she turns into a zombie.
Currently, Gretchen is trying to befriend the Infinite Oneness and awaits placement in the most prestigious of ambassadorial positions as Human Ambassador on Atlantis. Until then, she will follow the teachings of Meghan the Great, of the Church of SubGenius and continue in her enlightenment.
~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle and Guest Gospeler Gretchen XXVIII 1:23 pm
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Guest Gospeler Gretcehn III: Merging Mobile Plans: the New Way to Say 'I Love You'
Humans are curious by nature, but simultaneously stuck in the past. We, as a species, tend to do many things because "it's tradition" or "that's just how it's done".
One of these poorly thought out traditions includes the ceremony of marriage. Women wear white in order to "honor" the women before them who also wore white, and they wore white because they were valued more for their tight vag and daddy's bank account than their personality or, hell, even their looks. Women also take their new husband's last name. Because that's how it has always happened. Even if most women don't consider marriage a complete annihilation of their personal identity, few think to ask "Why do I automatically give up MY last name?". Is there inherently more value in a male's surname than a female's? Shh don't think that last question too loudly. You might inadvertently cause a telepathic cascade failure in human brain sub-processors.
Bob pities the human species and their blind following of traditions, traditions which were born of incredibly ignorant, sexist/racist/idiotic non-thinking. Bob calls this "Perpetual Cycle of Not Thinking. Dumbass."
Bob's solution to this dilemma is simple. Since humans have proven themselves unable to think about things critically for themselves, he only needs to institute new traditions - as trying to get humans to step back and examine the need for certain traditions would cause instant implosion of all brain matter. Also, their souls may die without dated, slightly ridiculous habits to cling to as these are the only links modern humans have to "the good old days". Ahh, the good old days of outhouses, slavery, bringing your rifle to church and death by about sixteen different types of cancer by the ripe old age of 37.
In keeping with the times this new tradition will be a totally unemotional and forced event, devoid of authentic representations of self and includes an annoying amount of bureaucratically-bullshit paper work to do. Perfect for a wedding! The new tradition is...
Merging of Mobile Plans.
Most people get a phone when they're about 2 months old and remain on their parents' family mobile plan until their parents die. This is because current Gen Yers are too financially and emotionally dependent on their parents to be on their own plan and pay their own bill. This is do to terrible parenting books which were forced on the American public during the 1980s. To leave this family plan, before death forces them to do so, and create a NEW FAMILY plan, is the ultimate sign of love and commitment. When you sign on that dotted line you are eternally linked to another being and partially responsible for that bill for TWO. WHOLE. YEARS.
Go non-think about that.
- The Word of Gretchen after 8 pm
One of these poorly thought out traditions includes the ceremony of marriage. Women wear white in order to "honor" the women before them who also wore white, and they wore white because they were valued more for their tight vag and daddy's bank account than their personality or, hell, even their looks. Women also take their new husband's last name. Because that's how it has always happened. Even if most women don't consider marriage a complete annihilation of their personal identity, few think to ask "Why do I automatically give up MY last name?". Is there inherently more value in a male's surname than a female's? Shh don't think that last question too loudly. You might inadvertently cause a telepathic cascade failure in human brain sub-processors.
Bob pities the human species and their blind following of traditions, traditions which were born of incredibly ignorant, sexist/racist/idiotic non-thinking. Bob calls this "Perpetual Cycle of Not Thinking. Dumbass."
Bob's solution to this dilemma is simple. Since humans have proven themselves unable to think about things critically for themselves, he only needs to institute new traditions - as trying to get humans to step back and examine the need for certain traditions would cause instant implosion of all brain matter. Also, their souls may die without dated, slightly ridiculous habits to cling to as these are the only links modern humans have to "the good old days". Ahh, the good old days of outhouses, slavery, bringing your rifle to church and death by about sixteen different types of cancer by the ripe old age of 37.
In keeping with the times this new tradition will be a totally unemotional and forced event, devoid of authentic representations of self and includes an annoying amount of bureaucratically-bullshit paper work to do. Perfect for a wedding! The new tradition is...
Merging of Mobile Plans.
Most people get a phone when they're about 2 months old and remain on their parents' family mobile plan until their parents die. This is because current Gen Yers are too financially and emotionally dependent on their parents to be on their own plan and pay their own bill. This is do to terrible parenting books which were forced on the American public during the 1980s. To leave this family plan, before death forces them to do so, and create a NEW FAMILY plan, is the ultimate sign of love and commitment. When you sign on that dotted line you are eternally linked to another being and partially responsible for that bill for TWO. WHOLE. YEARS.
Go non-think about that.
- The Word of Gretchen after 8 pm
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Gospel XXVII: On Assassintation
Although very entertaining in theory and movie production, snakes on a plane is not the most efficient way to kill your intended target.
I mean if Samuel L. Jackson is there, they will probably survive and you'll end up Tough Mike's ass candy.
~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXVII 7:11 am
I mean if Samuel L. Jackson is there, they will probably survive and you'll end up Tough Mike's ass candy.
~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXVII 7:11 am
Friday, February 26, 2010
Gospel XXVI: On the Best Way to Enact Change
Kill the baby boomers!! Bob says let's end their hypocritical reign of tyranny!
~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXVI flower power o'cklock
~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXVI flower power o'cklock
XXV: On What the Disgustingly Rich Contribute to Society
Nothing.
That's why they're disgusting.
Their wealth is derived from YOUR labor. What do you get back?
Debt.
You *owe* them for the plundering of your created economic value.
~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXV 11:59 pm
That's why they're disgusting.
Their wealth is derived from YOUR labor. What do you get back?
Debt.
You *owe* them for the plundering of your created economic value.
~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXV 11:59 pm
Gospel XXIV: On the Warped Views of the Wealthy
Their definition of sports consists of golf, tennis, and scuba diving.
Seriously.
~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXIV noonish
Seriously.
~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXIV noonish
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Gospel XXIII: On Florida
Florida is the Eden of America. Where everyone wants to end up when they retire! It's this mystical place where it's always sunny and warm! Where maybe someday you can live in a mansion that's located in a cushy resort while you pop valum on your six-story yacht. Believe it or not, some people already live this wonderful life! And you can too!!
...if you're from an old money family }:)
~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXIII 3:00 pm
...if you're from an old money family }:)
~The Gospel of Minister McGonagle XXIII 3:00 pm
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
